Somali Pirates to Rebrand Themselves as ACORN

[with apologies to ScrappleFace]

According to unreliable sources, the pirate masters of Somalia are planning to announce a major rebranding campaign.  The pirates intend to redirect their efforts towards finding solutions to the problems that affect the entire planet.  They are teaming with the Alliance for Climate Protection to mitigate carbon emissions off the coast of East Africa.  Henceforth, the Somali pirates will officially be known as the African Carbon Offsets and Relief Navy (ACORN). They will no longer demand ransom.  Instead they will collect fees for Carbon Offsets from the merchant ships that sail in the ACORN area of responsibility.  All proceeds (after operating costs and consulting fees) will be used to plant trees in Somalia.  The Alliance for Climate Protection will certify the tree-planting operations and verify the positive effects on sea temperature through elaborate computer modeling programmed to produce the correct result. 

Al Gore, the Nobel-prize winning Global Warming activist, was instrumental in negotiations that led to the new mission.  In a draft statement, Mr. Gore is quoted: "We need to partner with people around the world to fight global warming.  And no one knows how to fight harder than pirates.  Let's find some common ground out there on the high seas."  Al Gore is the founder of the Alliance for Climate Protection and is expected to receive another Nobel Peace Prize for bringing the pirates to the climate change battle.

These positive developments come in the aftermath of recent aggressive actions by the French and American naval forces, which have resulted in the deaths of seven Somali teenagers and one Frenchman.  Somali contacts point out that the ACORN organizers have never harmed anyone according to press reports.  

President Obama supports the change of heart by the ACORN leaders.  In a speech today, the President said: "At this juncture, I think it's important that I apologize for the attitude that the United States has taken towards pirates for so many years.  From Thomas Jefferson to Teddy Roosevelt to Gerald Ford, American presidents have antagonized and harassed undocumented merchant marines from traditionally underfinanced countries.  As everyone knows, I inherited a Navy from George Bush which took down some ACORN activists recently.  We can't change that overnight, but I think we're now on the right track.  Together, we can save the planet."  According to State Department officials, ACORN will receive a $1 billion grant from the United States foreign stimulus fund.